haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
