theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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