the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
