tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
