im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
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