I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
