Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
