Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
