I wish I could teleport
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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