i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
