hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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