i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
