Please don't use social media to get back at me.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
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