I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
