Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I know her cup size but not her name....
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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