his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
