I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
