The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
