I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
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