I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I'm at about main and main street
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
