no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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