There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
