My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
