a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
