either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
