I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
