oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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