Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
