a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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