Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
