dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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