five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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