one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
