I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
