Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Randomize
