my phone needs a breathalizer
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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