We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
