I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
