I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
