i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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