I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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