I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
