If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
ttyl tear gas
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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