woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
