i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
