Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
