I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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