I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
