I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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