If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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