i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
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Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
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Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Sorry about my life...
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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