i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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