My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize