You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
